Category Archives: marriage

it’s in the staying there


Yesterday evening The Deistette and I got back from one of the longest stretches of days of vacation without her two boys that I can remember. We were gone for four whole days and three nights! It’s sad that the excitement is genuine over a measly three night outing in Granbury, Tx and Dallas which are about four and a half hours away from us.

As many kids are this time of year, the boys were on Spring Break and had left last weekend to be with their father who lives about an hour east of Dallas. We took advantage of them being gone by… well, it’s sad to say but resting and sleeping and basking in the silence. But on Thursday morning just before lunch we headed out toward Granbury to visit with her aunt and uncle as well as her grandfather.

It was absolutely wonderful. And I hate to say it but it was entirely because the boys weren’t there to drive up the anxiety of her already anxiety stricken aunt.

The main reason we left Casa Deist for a few days though wasn’t to visit her family or head toward Dallas to pick up the boys after their visit with their shit-for-brains father. Nope… it was to celebrate a mile marker of ours.

the-deistette-and-deist

Taken near Post, Tx
Sept 13, 2008

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the power of prayer and my magic ring


The past few weekends The Deistette and I have been working for my sister in-law at a wedding facility she manages.  She was short handed at the last minute one weekend so we agreed to help her out. Well, that one weekend has turned into four. I shouldn’t complain. I mean the extra money has been nice but because it’s about an hour away from us so it makes for a pretty long day.

It’s a neat venue for having a wedding.  They do the ceremony in a small garden-like area that can accommodate about 150 people. The couple does their thing in a gazebo to exchange vows and afterward everyone heads into the reception hall about 30 feet away.

A couple of hours into the reception, someone will start putting away the chairs and decorations from the ceremony. Last weekend that someone was me. Ugh. There I stood looking at a hundred wooden folding chairs thinking, “holy crap it’s humid out here.”  It took me about 40 minutes and two trips to load them onto a flatbed cart, wheel them to the storage area and unload them. Afterward I went back into the reception hall and started picking up plates, restocking items in the kitchen, breaking down the bar, then other clean up. It was pretty much non-stop until we left.

Ugh… when we left.  That’s when I realized that I’d lost my ring… my wedding ring. God I was sick. I took it off when I started putting away the chairs because I didn’t want it to get smashed or cut into my fingers ’cause I was sure my hands would start swelling as I was putting them away.

After telling The Deistette about my lost ring, I called my sister in-law while we drove home. My sister in-law had already left the venue but said she would take a look the next day.

Well, she didn’t go in like she thought she would on Sunday and wouldn’t be there until Monday afternoon. I was sure I had put it in the pocket of the vest I was wearing so it would have to be in the washing machine — unless it fell out while I had been putting the chairs away.  Holy crap. :(

She didn’t call until about 5:00 Monday evening.  She said she was sorry but she couldn’t find it and she had looked everywhere she thought it might be.

The next day I checked my pants again and again. I checked the floorboard of the car, under the mats, under the seats. I checked around the driveway where we park. Nothing, nothing, nothing and nothing.

I don’t think I’ve ever really delved into the details of my spiritual beliefs other than what I have in the title of this blog and the two tabs about the beliefs of a deist and UU. Not to get into a long treatise about it but I will say part of my spiritual practice includes prayer  — and not like praying to win the lottery or praying for the healing of a loved one. Just prayers of thanks is mostly what I have in my bag of prayers.

But that night, as Emmie fell asleep and I lay there in the dark…    against everything I believe about prayer, I prayed my ass off  that my ring would somehow make its way back to me. I prayed that I would relive in my dreams the events of when I put it away.  I begged my memory not to fail me any longer and give me even the slightest hint where it might be. I rolled over and touched Emmie’s hand where she wears her ring and fell asleep.

The next day when I got back home from work, Emmie told me she found my guitar capo. It had been banging around in the dryer while she was doing our laundry. The night before I had been looking all over for it before heading off to band rehearsal but couldn’t find it. Then she said, “look what else I found.” And put my wedding ring in my hand.

I was stunned. All I could do was hug her. And believe it or not, I cried. I was so happy to have it again. And in a really sweet, whispering, sort of lilting way she said, “you have your magic ring back.”

She said it must have been in my shirt. I don’t know. I swear I checked every pocket I had twice. Who knows, maybe it was in my shirt pocket or maybe it fell into the cuff of my pants leg.

my magic ring

The Deist's wedding ring with inscription that reads "my friend who is next to me"

I’ve called it my magic ring for a while saying it keeps me and The Deistette connected. I usually say it within ear shot of my stepson but being 7 years old he’s getting to an age where he doesn’t really believe in magic anymore.  The tooth fairy, Easter bunny and Santa Claus have kinda had their day for him.

I don’t know.

What I do know is one day I didn’t have my magic ring and now I do. Maybe there is something to that prayer thing after all — or maybe my ring is magic and keeps me and my wife connected after all.

coppin’ a feel in old age


A few days ago after my wife woke up I said to her, “i think my body produces some sort of viagra-like substance from about 5:30 to 6:30 in the morning. See?”

“Oh my God! Put that thing away. We have to get up.”

“But I am.” mrgreen

“Annnnd… get ready for work and put the boy on the bus.”

I chase my wife around the house quite often. Occasionally I catch her. So despite being in my mid-40s, I am so not in the target market for the commercials for cialis that state, “so you can be ready.” or something to that effect.

I suspect it will happen eventually. Who knows.

Sex aside… I hope that The Deistette and I are like these two folks here in 20 years. I cried with laughter at watching this vid but analyzing it and their behavior a little deeper than the surface shows a couple that is so comfortable with each other it incites hope for long-term marriage.

It does in me anyway… as well as hope for continued peeks at boobies.
Burp! excuse me.

Becoming married vs. getting married


It’s the first day of Spring today and coincidentally and somewhat through design, it is also my wedding anniversary. The Deistette and I got married two years ago today.

Hardly a milestone. I mean real milestones are a 20th, 25th or 50th anniversary right?

At two years a couple is still trying to find their groove… still trying to figure out who the hell this person is sleeping next to me. At two years, we’re still working on not letting our tell-tale feelings show in a facial expression after a certain meal presented to us.

“Mmmmm… this looks [lifting a portion of dinner up with the fork for moment] um, great, hon.”

We’re still trying to figure out the dance steps necessary not to bump into each other as we get ready in the morning. We are still dealing with our personality quirks and eccentricities, dealing with having let go of a little of our former lives after we said our “I do’s” yet at the same time, we’re still new enough to our marriage to revel in dreams of what life holds in store for us as we continue our walk towards the setting sun.

Yeah, that sounds awesome doesn’t it. Like we really have our shit together and are in a great healthy marriage and are in it for the long haul.

Healthy? Maybe. I guess.
We’re not on the verge of killing each other so I guess that’s a plus.

Those engaged and newlyed this goes out to you!
This is HARD friggin’ work. Although we have a lot in common, The Deistette and I have enough differences that we make the Rebels and the Yanks look like childhood playmates. But we push through. We made a promise to each other and we ARE in for the long haul.

We’ve had some tense and some difficult moments in the short time since we got married. I mean big ones. And without getting into the details of some of what has happened along the way, just know those events have placed an extreme amount of stress on us. So much stress that there have been moments where we have said out loud, “maybe we should go our separate ways.”
[sigh]

It’s been hard. This has been really hard. But you know what…
It’s through weathering the storms, minor and major that we have become married. And the aftermath of weathering those storms creates pillars that give substance and balance and a sturdy foundation to rest our marriage on.

I ran across an article last year by Elizabeth Weil, who is a contributing writer to the New York Times Magazine. She wrote a piece about her marriage. In her second paragraph was something that has stuck with me since and helps me to try and work harder at this marriage than the other two I was in that didn’t work out.
Weil writes:

I believe that you become married — truly married — slowly, over time, through all the road-rage incidents and precolonoscopy enemas, all the small and large moments that you never expected to happen and certainly didn’t plan to endure. But then you do: you endure.

Yes… we endure. And together walk towards the setting sun.
Happy Anniversary, Emmie.
We are becoming married.

she carried tulipsEmmie carried tulips on our wedding day.

The Deistette is really just a momma’s-girl


Emmie’s mom is coming to live with us.  She’s coming to live with us in two days.

Yes, you read that right. My mother in-law is coming to live with me, my wife, my stepson, my daughter (on the weekends she’s here) our dog and two cats in our teeny tiny 1,190 square foot house.

They are both are extremely excited about the prospect. Me… I don’t know. I was talking to her (my mother in-law) on the phone last night and she said how excited she was about it and how she’s really looking forward to being here with us.

She asked if I was excited.  I kinda felt put on the spot.  I didn’t really know how to answer because “excited” is definitely NOT the word I would use to describe how I’m feeling about this.  I would probably use words like “nervous”, “worried”, “anxious”, “concerned”.

I mean for one, it’s a small house.  Three very small bedrooms with only one and a half baths.  Secondly, Emmie and I are still getting to know each other.   We’ve only been married for about a year and a half.

But I know Em is excited.  It’s been hard for her being here in Houston not knowing anyone and her momma living in the panhandle.  She says she’s nervous but I know she’s really happy about her mom coming here.

And so… I am happy.

There have been a couple of major events I’ve written about on the ol’ blog.  I believe this can be added to the list.

this quote reminds me of The Deistette


I stumbled over this quote by Kahlil Gibran from his book, The Prophet.  I love that book and haven’t thought of this quote in some time.

love it…

In the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures. For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.

Emmie and I have been married a year today.  It’s been hard. But we’re still chugging away.  I find our best times, our funnest times are when we are by ourselves… no kids, no chores, no obligations… just us being friends.

Those times are very few and very far between.  But even during the mundane, the every day, with the burdens, the stress and tension of life… tension of each other…  we manage to brush off that stuff (might take a week or so but it gets brushed off) and laugh with each other and share pleasure.

[sigh]

We went on a date in early October of ’09.  That was five months ago.  I think the last date we had before that was in June of that year… maybe… I think.

I don’t know.

I love being married to her.  She is an amazing, beautiful, kind woman and wife.

I wish we had dated more though.

Love you Emmie.  Happy Anniversary.
The Deist and Deistette on a date Oct 2009

Yay!… it’s Wednesday


This is a postscript to what I wrote in the post below.

regret


I wrote about one of my dearest, bestest friends of my life after she got married. She is a wonderful, beautiful, caring sweet woman and I’m certain she is one of my soulmates.

She and her husband were married in May of last year and they got pregnant in mid-January. Although both, in their early 40′s, they knew trying to have a baby at this age might pose some risks and have its challenges.

But she wants a baby. She wants a baby so bad.

About eight years ago, she half jokingly asked if I would help her have a baby. I told her there was no way that was gonna happen. First of all I was married and secondly if there was a baby comin’ it was gonna be made the old fashioned way and I didn’t see that happening… AT ALL!

I told my wife (my wife at that time) about the conversation we’d had where Paula had made this ridiculous suggestion and my wife said it wasn’t so ridiculous at all. My wife, was an amazing person. She was surprisingly supportive of the idea and said if that was something we could give her (“we” because it would certainly need her support as well) that we should do that for her.

Well, we didn’t. I thought about it. I actually thought about having sex with my long-time best friend to try and have a baby with her but I just… couldn’t.

Anyway… She had boyfriends along the way and a couple who even talked of marriage but nothing until last year.

[sigh]

I talked to her this morning on the way to work. We don’t talk much anymore because she lives in New Braunfels, Tx and she’s married and life has just taken over. We used to have a standing “date”. Dinner every Tuesday to catch up but we barely talk but once every month or two now.

After a few minutes of catching up I asked how the baby making business was coming along. I thought to myself she should be about four months or so now.

[Paula serious in a serious whisper] “Jules.”
[slight pause]
“um… yeah.”
[Paula's voice cracks a little] “I miscarried”

The pain in her voice was so real it hurt me to my core. She said they were going to try again soon but she’s realistic and believes she won’t be able to carry a baby to term. She doesn’t think she’ll ever know what it’s like to have “her” baby inside “her” belly.

I sometimes wish I would have given her that baby eight years ago.

i love this quote!


This came from Michael Maroko, who is one of the attorneys arguing the case of Prop 8 in California.

Maroko said this to Justice Ming Chin in response to his question of whether the idea (that idea being the government should get out of the marriage business) “would solve the legal issues connected to gay marriage — issues that at their core revolve around the question of whether allowing some couples to marry but not others violates constitutional guarantees of equal protection under the law.”

Here’s Maroko’s quote:

“If you’re in the marriage business, do it equally. And if you’re not going to do it equally, get out of the business.”

I’ll drink to that!

Thanks to Patter Pensée for posting some of the Time article which gives me one of my now favorite quotes.

marriage for none… civil unions for all


Throughout the UU Blogosphere and on my own blog peeps list, I have seen this video popping up. No doubt why. Keith Olbermann’s commentary resonates loudly with liberal thinking people.

But despite his slant, Keith, asks a question which I think should send a red flag up for conservatives.
You see, I’m a bit of a conservative, too. I am a bit of a UU oddity in my political stance. I am a card carrying member of the Libertarian party. Some people call it, the Real Republican party or the Republican Party of Teddy Roosevelt.  I’m not a hard core Libertarian, but I agree with a little more of its platform than the others.

And so I’ve thought about this same sex marriage thing off and on for a few months… letting it kind of stew in mind a little and I came to the same conclusion this guy over at The Little Cog did. There should be no marriage licenses for anyone… civil unions for all. I don’t really get too riled up about many causes except the separation of church and state and the whole marriage equality thing i think can be argued to fall in that realm.

I mean marriage between two people is a religious construct. It is not a governmental institution. Why does the government need to recognize or sanctify (via a marriage license) a religious ceremony.

And so I’m asking you, the rare, politically conservative reader of my blog, does California’s Prop 8 and Keith’s commentary below send a red flag to your political stance.  If not… why?  Because if you truly believe in smaller government, if you truly believe the government should leave you alone, how can you possibly justify the government telling someone it is or isn’t ok to marry

I don’t understand.  Please tell me how you, as a political conservative, think it’s ok for the government to tell you whether it’s ok or not to do something as important as be with the one you believe you should be with.

And to quote Keith… why does this matter to you?